Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize