that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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