Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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