I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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