I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
