I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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