people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
