he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.