Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
