I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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