i jhust puked up my retainher.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
