My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
