Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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