3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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