Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
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