My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
