Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize
