Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
