I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
