In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
