Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
