did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
im drinking this country out of the recession.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
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His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
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