got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
