I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm like, not good at living.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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