Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
