wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
