I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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