She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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