You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
