Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
