Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
