Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
