Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
