I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
