We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I forget how to act sober
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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