I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
