I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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