Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
