the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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