ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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