He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
