THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
