i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
