Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
