Kiss
Puke
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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