I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
