I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
it's like iHOP with fire
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
