If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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