It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
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I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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