I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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