Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
