Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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