I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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