My sheets look like a crime scene.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
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Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
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If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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