The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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