i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
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He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
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Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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