My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
