I got chris browned last night
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
