In the future we'll all be gay
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
That accounts for only three of the penises
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
