I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
